A reader writes to Coleen Nolan for advice after her second marriage ended two years ago. She describes her ex as selfish, verbally abusive in arguments, and controlling. Leaving the marriage was the best decision she ever made, and she has rebuilt her life.
However, her son and daughter from her first marriage, now in their early 20s, have continued to see her ex behind her back. He invites them over and they attend family events, which breaks her heart. They were never particularly close when they all lived together, so she doesn't understand it.
They don't talk to her about her ex but post photos with him on social media, which upsets her. She feels they don't understand how hard the marriage was and why she had to leave.
Daughter's response
When she talked to her daughter about it, the daughter said he was their stepfather for eight years and asked why shouldn't they continue to see him. The reader thinks they feel it's her fault the marriage ended, but she doesn't want to cause arguments, so she keeps quiet.
She finds this hard to cope with because her kids are everything to her. She thought they would be more understanding and supportive, making her wonder what lies her ex is feeding them.
Coleen's advice
Coleen advises not letting the relationship between the kids and the ex control her feelings or affect the life she has built. She suggests the kids may not have seen the side of the ex she saw because she protected them, which is good parenting.
Instead of trying to stop them seeing him, Coleen recommends honesty. Help them understand why this is difficult because she was damaged by the marriage. They are old enough to have the discussion and hopefully will be more sensitive, perhaps dialling back on social media posts.
The bottom line is she is their mum, they love her, and she won't lose them. But they have built a relationship with the ex that can't be switched off. Listen to what they have to say and keep talking. She has done well to rebuild her life, so take strength from that and make herself the priority.
Friendship wisdom
Coleen adds that friendship circles usually shrink as we get older, but the people left are the ones that matter—those who keep showing up, make us laugh, and bring peace. Meaningful relationships are more important than a long list of contacts.
