Fi, 42, says she could have sex every day but her partner Will says no about 80% of the time. "The other morning, I woke up horny and suggested a quickie, but Will said he was too tired – it was too early. When I found him masturbating in bed the next day, I felt so rejected. I drove to work in floods of tears. I knew my feelings weren’t rational – there’s nothing wrong with masturbating – but they were real. All I could think was: couldn’t we have had those two minutes of intimacy yesterday?"
For Fi, sex creates closeness, but for Will, the opposite is true: he has to feel close before having sex, and his depression, performance anxiety and low confidence mean his libido is lower than hers. Until a couple of weeks ago, they hadn’t had sex in more than six months. Fi's previous relationship was sexless for five years, and she doesn't want to end up living with a friend again. She admits she played a part in that too, finding being vulnerable difficult and putting up a wall instead of talking honestly about sex.
Fi's Perspective
"I love sex and the connection it brings. I could have sex every day, but Will says no about 80% of the time. For me, sex creates closeness. For Will, the opposite is true: he has to feel close before having sex – and his depression, performance anxiety and low confidence mean his libido is lower than mine." Fi usually initiates with a joke, like "Do you want to put your stick in my hole?" When he says no, she assumes it's her failure. She worries that she desires him more than he desires her, and that he sees her more as a mother figure than a sexual being.
When they moved in together last autumn, differences became more obvious. Fi was the fixer, while Will was out of work and in bed for four months with a broken back. Finding Will masturbating led to the healthiest conversation she's had in a relationship. "He understood that hearing how attracted he is to me isn’t enough – I need to feel desired through his actions. We’re back to having sex about once a week, which is enough for me to get the validation and reassurance I need. He’s teaching me how to slow down and open up more."
Will's Perspective
Will, 42, often asks Fi why she's with him. "She’s got everything sorted, whereas a lot of the time I see myself as nothing. Low self-worth and antidepressants mean there’s a disconnect between my brain and my penis. I overthink everything. What if I ejaculate too quickly? What if I can’t come at all? I’d rather say no than feel as if I’m letting Fi down." They met on Hinge 18 months ago, and Will knew she was right for him. His last partner was emotionally and physically abusive, so he needs to trust that someone is honest and kind.
After moving in together, life became more about house admin than sex, and a back injury killed intimacy. "I could barely walk; I couldn’t roll over in bed or reach my arm across Fi without excruciating pain; I wasn’t even allowed to pick up a bag of shopping. Fi kept telling me I was doing brilliantly, but I felt physically and mentally useless." When Fi found him masturbating after he'd turned down sex, it wasn't about choosing masturbation over her; he was doing it to try to get back to sleep. "Sex with Fi is completely different – I need to be emotionally present because I care so much about whether she’s enjoying it too."
Even though they seem out of the rut now, Fi says she doesn't want to initiate any more to avoid rejection. Will reassures her, "I think she’s amazing. But that’s part of the problem – because I don’t think I’m worth anything, being with someone amazing is overwhelming. I try to reassure her how incredibly sexy I find her, that I love her. And when we do have sex, it’s dynamite."
