As pride month concludes, Arwa Mahdawi suggests that the so-called crisis of heterosexuality is largely a product of Extremely Online discourse. While headlines proclaim heterosexuality embarrassing, especially for women, the reality is more nuanced.
The Rise of Heteropessimism
Scholar Asa Seresin coined the term 'heteropessimism,' later amended to 'heterofatalism,' in a 2019 essay for the New Inquiry. It describes 'performative disaffiliations with heterosexuality … or hopelessness about straight experience.' This sparked numerous thinkpieces and memes, including a Vogue article asking, 'Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?' New York politician Zohran Mamdani responded: 'If you're worried that your boyfriend will embarrass you, you should probably get a new boyfriend.'
On the eve of pride month, the New York Times published a piece initially titled 'Being Straight is Great, Actually' by a Playboy editor, later changed to 'There's Nothing Wrong With Wanting Men.' The author argued that 'there has still never been a better time in human history to happily and successfully pursue heterosexuality.'
Book Claims Straight Women Are Endangered
Phoebe Maltz Bovy's book The Last Straight Woman: On Desiring Men promises a 'way forward for straight women.' In an extract published in the Walrus, headlined 'Are There Any Straight Women Left?,' Bovy notes that straight women are 'on the decline.' She cites a 2022 Gallup poll finding that 19.7% of Gen Z identifies as something other than heterosexual. While Bovy acknowledges increased comfort in coming out, she writes: 'We live in a time where desiring men makes you reactionary, prudish, conventional, or even ick.'
Reclaiming Heterosexuality
Bovy positions herself as reclaiming 'man-needing as a feminist pursuit,' stating: 'Women are people, after all, people who want. Maybe we shouldn’t like men, but on the whole, we do. That needs to be our starting point.' Mahdawi notes the irony of needing to assert that 'women are people,' but questions whether the angst is limited to a small segment of writers and academics.
Online vs. Real World
Mahdawi acknowledges that antagonism in heterosexual relationships is culturally embedded—pop culture often depicts men resenting nagging wives and women holding grudges against useless husbands. As women earn more but still do more housework and caregiving, dissatisfaction is rational. However, she argues it's more useful to analyze gender relations through misogyny and capitalism than heteropessimism.
'There is a massive difference between online discourse and life in the real world,' Mahdawi writes. Online, one might think 'nobody is allowed to say the word woman any more' or that 'cis heterosexuals are an oppressed minority.' None of that is true. 'Despite being drama queens, the straights are doing fine. Somehow I think heterosexuality will live to see another day.'
