A woman writes to Coleen Nolan, heartbroken that her son and daughter from her first marriage, now in their early 20s, continue to see her ex-husband behind her back. Her second marriage ended two years ago after eight years, during which he was selfish, verbally abusive in arguments, and controlling. She has rebuilt her life and says leaving was the best decision she ever made.
Children maintain relationship with stepdad
Her children have been invited over by her ex and have attended family events, which she finds deeply upsetting. They never seemed particularly close when the family lived together, so she doesn't understand why they continue the relationship. They don't talk to her about him, but post photos with him on social media, which she finds painful.
She feels they don't understand how hard the marriage was and why she had to leave. When she spoke to her daughter, she was told he was their stepfather for eight years and questioned why they shouldn't continue to see him. The mother believes they think it's her fault the marriage ended, but she avoids arguments by staying silent.
Coleen's advice
Coleen advises not to let the relationship between her kids and ex control how she feels or affect the life she has rebuilt. She suggests that perhaps the children didn't see the abusive side of her ex because she protected them from it, which was good parenting. Instead of trying to stop them seeing him, Coleen recommends honesty—help them understand why this is difficult, as she was damaged by the marriage.
They are old enough to have a discussion and may become more sensitive, perhaps dialling back on social media posts. Coleen reassures that she is their mum, they love her, and she won't lose them. However, they have built a relationship with her ex that cannot simply be switched off. She advises listening to them and keeping talking, while taking strength from the life she has rebuilt and making herself the priority.
