Author and screenwriter Claire McGowan has detailed her frustrating experiences with middle-aged men on dating apps, describing a pervasive sense of inadequacy and an inability to function as adult human beings.
Poor behaviour and low effort
McGowan, 44, says she has encountered men arriving in dirty clothes, with bad breath and grubby nails, wearing tracksuit bottoms or cargo pants, sometimes covered in pet hair or food stains. One man showed up in head-to-toe waterproofs because it was spitting. She notes that dressing up seems to have gone out of the window.
Many men also fail to plan dates, leaving her to find and book a bar or restaurant, often putting down her card details as a deposit. They then stand and wait for her to open doors, call waiters, order, and ask for the bill, and do not ask how she is getting home or check if she arrived safely.
Emotional instability and excuses
McGowan reports that men have cried on dates, felt so awkward in restaurants that they had to leave, cancelled because they were upset about trying to buy a sofa, drunk too much, or been unable to ask questions or make eye contact. At least half the dates she arranges do not happen due to unspecified family stuff, illness, tiredness, or work stress – what she calls 'excuse bingo'.
She recalls one man who blew up at her after just a few dates, telling her she was too demanding or not relaxing, because she made a small request or pointed out toxic behaviour like lying or gaslighting. Another man insisted on a two-hour phone call to drunkenly list all the things wrong with her, after she offered him lip balm for his flaky lips and asked him to organise the first date.
The role of dating apps
McGowan believes dating apps foster poor behaviour, gamify romance, and hide the best matches behind paywalls to keep users spending. She describes it as playing a slot machine, where users are encouraged to pay more to message the only person they like. She has deleted her apps after a year of online dating, having only got past three dates with one person, which lasted a month.
She also notes that women are more attuned to red flags and toxic behaviour, with movements like decentring men and Burn the Haystack helping identify early warning signs. She cites stories of women murdered or raped by men, and cases like the Epstein Files and Gisele Pelicot, as contributing to women's anger and sadness.
Meeting people in real life
McGowan is now exploring in-person dating events, which she finds fun but can lead to awkward situations, such as flirting with a man 19 years younger than her. She has asked out men she met in a queue for swimming and at salsa. She notes that ordinary guys now fear being seen as creepy or overstepping boundaries, partly due to #MeToo and cancel culture.
Despite her experiences, McGowan says she will enjoy her life without going on dates, and if she meets someone who can behave normally and be emotionally available, then great. But given her experiences, she won't be holding her breath.
