Anti-money-laundering laws are supposed to stop the illicit flow of money. So far, they seem to have stopped next to nothing. About 5% of the global economy is illicit and only 0.05% is stopped by AML laws.
Which makes George Cottrell something of a rarity. The idiot member of the 1% who actually got done for conspiring to launder money. While 99% of criminals were getting away with it, he had the bright idea of telling an audience of undercover members of the US Inland Revenue Service in Las Vegas how he could clean up their drug money for them. Much to his surprise, they didn’t take him up on his offer. He was arrested on money-laundering charges at Chicago airport. Still, he did a plea bargain and the charges were reduced to wire fraud and he did eight months in prison.
The Book's Premise
In his book 'How to Launder Money', Cottrell tells how you can get away with it by not making the same mistakes as him. However, co-author Lawrence interjects, noting they were supposed to be writing a book to inform authorities on how to prevent money laundering.
Cottrell acknowledges a misunderstanding, stating they are all definitely against money laundering. He is all for cleaning up the global economy, suggesting it would be terrible if the system got so opaque that it was nigh on impossible to discover how political parties were being funded.
Satirical Advice
The satirical sketch includes advice such as getting someone to paint a fake Van Gogh, donating it to a museum to transform dirty money into a valuable asset, and bribing people—though ensuring they are not undercover agents. It also suggests becoming prime minister to avoid customs, handing over suitcases to Vladimir Putin during bilateral meetings, and making the UK the world centre of illegal finance.
Cottrell recommends buying cryptocurrencies that Nigel Farage recommends, as they are legit because they are being run by Kwasi Kwarteng. He also dismisses concerns about donations to Reform UK being dodgy just because they are subject to a Suspicious Activity Report to the NCA.
The sketch concludes with Cottrell noting the desire to be loved and his longing for Farage's attention, but sometimes it is best to seek anonymity in financial dealings. He recounts using the pseudonym Graham Cottrell when offering to launder drug money in Vegas. He advises buying houses via shell and offshore companies and placing bets on crypto polymarket that you know you will lose, making illegal money disappear.
