Polly Hudson has described the platitudes, euphemisms and cliches she has faced since her mother's death as excruciating, but says the people who say nothing at all are the worst. The freelance writer shared her experience in a personal essay, noting that she is now an orphan after both parents have died.
Hudson recalled a comic thought that came to her at the tragic moment, referencing a scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm where Marty Funkhouser proclaims himself an orphan after his mother's wheelchair is run over by a car. In the show, Larry David challenges the idea that someone could be an orphan at an older age, leading to a debate about the definition of the term.
The Pain of Platitudes
Hudson said she has been reminded roughly three times daily that her mother "had a good innings though." It has been 14 years since her father died, and she noted she had forgotten about the strange language and platitudes that come with grief. She shared that the best reaction so far came from a man who replied to her news with: "OK, that's fine."
She acknowledged that most people are trying their best and that it is a minority who deliberately attempt to offend or upset. However, she expressed frustration with certain phrases, including "passed away" and "resting," preferring the direct word "died." She also criticized "please accept my condolences" and "I don't know what to say," as well as "you have to be strong," questioning why that should be necessary.
Silence Is the Worst
Hudson argued that the absolute worst thing to say to the bereaved is nothing at all. She referenced actor Richard E Grant, who has spoken about friends who crossed the road to avoid him after his wife's death. This week, Grant said he would never forgive them, stating: "I'm very unequivocal, black and white, all or nothing. I've tried to go for the grey areas but it's not succeeded for very long. There are people that have been edited out of my life and I will never see them again."
Hudson noted that most people who have lost somebody have experienced the silence of others not acknowledging their loss. She suggested they may be trying to avoid reminding the person of what happened, but emphasized that focusing on their good intentions is how one manages not to snap at them.
She concluded with a public service announcement that platitudes, euphemisms and cliches are excruciating, but nothing is as awful as interacting with someone for whom all words on the subject have departed. Even arguing about the age limit for claiming orphan status, she said, is better than that.
