Workplace friendships can turn sour when a colleague becomes overly keen to extend the relationship beyond office hours, leading to discomfort and awkwardness. A recent Reddit thread highlighted the struggle: 'My work friend keeps asking me to do things outside of the office. I sit next to her eight hours a day, five days a week. I keep saying no to her plans, but it's getting to the point where I need to tell her why I keep saying no. I spend too much time with her already, I don't want to spend my spare time with her too.' The worker, who once served as a sounding board for her colleague's break-up and other dilemmas, now finds the interactions 'exhausting.'
Why workplace friendships can become difficult
According to Yuko Nippoda, psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), the initial focus on 'not offending or upsetting others too much' often leads to problems. She explains that co-worker relationships can go wrong when people concentrate solely on being polite and friendly, rather than 'following their personal intentions,' leaving them feeling unable to say no. Early conversations and interactions have the biggest impact on the trajectory of a workplace relationship.
Ben*, 28, experienced this firsthand. Early in his career at a creative agency where the average employee was 35 or older, the younger staff naturally gravitated together. When Yasmine* joined, they hit it off and began hanging out outside work. Another colleague, Sophie*, noticed their growing bond and started enquiring about weekend plans, even inviting herself along. 'It was quite uncomfortable because Sophie was nice, but she just didn't really have the same vibe and interests that we had,' Ben recalls. 'Yasmine and I were single, loved to party, were into films and gaming, and loved festivals. Whereas Sophie was in a long-term relationship and detested party culture.' When included, Sophie would hijack plans or make them feel guilty for having fun without her, and she gossiped about their drunken antics at work. Eventually, Ben and Yasmine stopped inviting her, which she took personally, making work 'incredibly weird' until Ben left the company.
Social media boundaries with colleagues
Beyond in-person friendships, many workers are reluctant to connect with colleagues on social media. A 2020 survey of 900 employees found that 51% of participants were concerned their social media profiles could be used against them at work. Previous research also showed that 40% of 1,000 British workers would never add colleagues on social media. Bella*, who works in insurance, says she is hesitant to add colleagues because of fears about 'an ulterior motive.' She adds: 'I tend to follow the other person's lead, although I will say I do find it odd when someone asks for my socials.'
How to set boundaries with a persistent colleague
If you want to avoid socialising with a coworker, Yuko advises being polite and consistent in setting boundaries. With people spending around 1,820 hours each year at work, the choices made can significantly affect daily experience. Rejecting a social invite may feel anxious, but it's ultimately best to respect your own wishes. If direct refusal is uncomfortable, start implementing distance and use non-specific phrases like 'I have a personal commitment' or 'busy schedule.' This language maintains professionalism without requiring detailed explanations. 'Everybody has different attitudes towards their workplace friendships,' Yuko adds. 'If you do not wish to pursue that kind of relationship, you don't need to push yourself to please other colleagues or your boss.'
*Names have been changed.
