A woman has written to agony aunt Jane O'Gorman for advice after her paying lodger moved her boyfriend into her flat without asking, leaving her feeling like a spare part in her own home.
The reader explained that she offered her friend a cheap place to stay in January after the breakdown of a relationship with a controlling partner, and that her friend credited her with saving her life. But when she returned from a business conference, she found the new boyfriend installed in her friend's bedroom, with his belongings spread across the hall. Her friend said it was 'only temporary' - but that was last June, and he is still there.
A Pattern of Disrespect
The woman says the boyfriend takes two showers a day, sprawls over the flat, and has noisy sex deliberately to wind her up. She says he screams, grunts and howls during lovemaking, and shouts 'I'm coming' as loudly as possible, knowing she is obsessed with a married man who ignores her. She dreads being alone with him because he asks awkward questions about her unsatisfactory love life.
On one occasion, he was watching porn on his laptop on her balcony while she tried to complete an important work document. When she asked him to stop, he invited her to join him, saying it might 'calm her down'. When she complains to her friend, she just laughs, calling him a harmless scamp. The woman has tried talking to her about rent and bills, but her friend says he will be gone soon.
Jane's Advice: Set Firm Boundaries
Jane says the situation has gone too far and the woman needs her space back. She advises arranging a private, calm conversation with her friend, making it clear the boyfriend is not welcome. Jane says the woman should explain that everything must change for the sake of her property, her mental health and the friendship, and should not allow her friend to suggest she is jealous or a spoil sport.
Jane advises making it clear the arrangement was never discussed or agreed, and that she is disappointed and out of pocket because of the showers. She insists the boyfriend must leave immediately, or she should speak to family members and/or get a solicitor involved. Jane notes that whether the friend goes with him or the friendship survives remains to be seen, but she believes the friend is ungrateful and selfish given all the woman did for her in the past.
As for the porn invitation, Jane's advice is blunt: tell him to get stuffed.
