A man in his early 40s has written to agony aunt Coleen Nolan asking whether his 20-year platonic friendship with a married woman has become unhealthy. He explains that they have both been married with children and have supported each other through health issues, bereavements, breakups, marriages and kids.
Their partners accept the friendship, although they had questions at first. The reader notes they have never been romantically involved, so it has never really been a concern for them. Recently, however, he has been pondering whether they are too involved with each other.
Signs of Concern
He describes feeling stood up and annoyed if she cancels a drink. When out in a group with other friends, they always gravitate together and like being on their own. He has also found himself checking his phone too much to see if she has replied to a message, and if she hasn't, he starts worrying something has happened to her. He admits he is not like this with any of his other friends, male or female.
The reader says: "The way I'm behaving feels like she's a partner and not just a friend." He asks whether the friendship has become unhealthy and if they rely on each other too much, noting he has never thought of her romantically.
Coleen's Advice
Coleen responds that he should question whether he is being fully honest with himself. She says some of the things he is saying are "screaming that it's more than friendship for you." She adds that whether he feels more and she doesn't, or they both feel more, it is not great for their marriages either way.
She understands why he would worry if she doesn't reply to a message, noting most people would be concerned if a friend goes quiet. However, she says the other bits, such as feeling stood up and wanting to be alone together when out in a group, do raise a red flag.
Next Steps
Coleen suggests that if they are genuinely close, they should be able to talk about their friendship. She suggests starting by asking, "Do you ever feel our friendship is too intense or interferes with our relationships too much?" She advises finding out what she thinks, as it might be that she doesn't think as deeply about it as he does.
She also suggests he could take a step back from the friendship, focus more on his marriage and see how he feels. If it is consuming his thoughts and taking time away from his family, she says he probably needs to have a rethink and weigh up what's most important to him.
