Three People Reveal If Their Affairs Were Worth It: Surprising Answers
When we think of infidelity, we typically envision betrayal and devastation. For many people, that is precisely what it represents. However, the reality of affairs—why they occur, what they signify, and what follows—is far more intricate and nuanced. World-renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel has spent decades challenging our black-and-white thinking about infidelity. She discovered that, while painful, affairs can sometimes act as a catalyst for significant personal change.
Some individuals look back with profound regret, while others view their affairs as sad but necessary breaking points that ultimately guided them toward happiness. Remarkably, some do not regret them at all. We spoke with three people who had discovered affairs to ask one simple question: Was it worth it? Their answers might genuinely surprise you.
YES: It Gave Me a Plausible Reason to Leave a 'Perfect' Marriage
Jillian was three years into her marriage and in her mid-30s when she had an affair. She described her husband as tall, athletic, handsome, and a banker, while the person she cheated with was short, had red hair, and worked as a teacher. She noted that it did not take a genius to figure out something was amiss.
"I didn't have an affair with a person; I had an affair because the marriage was suffocating me and I didn't know what to do," Jillian explained. "I'd married a 'catch', I was in my early 30s and supposed to settle down and have babies. But I'm ambitious and being married was holding me back from accepting international jobs. I felt resentful but didn't know how to deal with the situation."
Ironically, she met the man she had the affair with at a work event hosted by her husband. He was a plus-one of one of her husband's best clients, a woman she already knew. Jillian admitted she had no idea why she chose him, as there were far more attractive men available. Nevertheless, she quickly became obsessed with him.
"I'd orchestrate these secret meetings and my entire existence revolved around them. The sex was so intense, I couldn't get enough of it. Affairs are incredibly exciting and it makes you live in the moment: you live for one hour of stolen time, here and there. It's forbidden so everything is erotically charged," she recalled. "I remember going to the loo when out with my husband and another couple and sitting there aching with longing to be with my lover."
In truth, her husband outshone this man in many ways—he was smarter, sexier, better looking, and a better lover. It did not take long after she left to realize she had the affair simply to give herself a plausible reason to exit the marriage. She pretended she was leaving for him, but the affair withered and died almost immediately, shifting from intense longing to intense irritation as she found him boring and unattractive.
"But the affair served its purpose: it gave me a reason to leave a marriage that happened at the wrong time in my life. I stayed single and pursued my career for two decades before settling down again. It was the right thing to do, though I deeply regret hurting my husband and wish I'd met him much later in life," Jillian concluded.
NO: I Had Everything and Threw It Away. Don't Be Me
Michael, 52, was married for 18 happy years before he made what he calls the worst mistake of his life. He offered a stark warning to anyone considering infidelity.
"If you're reading this and you're in a marriage you value—whatever you think you're missing, whatever excitement you think you need—it is not worth this. It's not worth the look on your partner's face when they realise you betrayed them. It's not worth having your children never speak to you again. It's not worth waking up every day knowing you destroyed the best thing in your life for something that meant nothing," Michael stated.
He agreed to share his story not for sympathy, which he feels he does not deserve, but as a cautionary tale. He had everything: a remarkable wife named Sarah and two children, now 21 and 18, who were everything to him. He loved them then and still does, which makes his actions incomprehensible even to himself.
The affair began when Jess, 28, joined his department. Late nights working together led to drinks after work with others, then just the two of them. She made him feel seen in a way he hadn't in years, a cliché he acknowledges. He wanted the excitement, was selfish, and convinced himself he could maintain both lives. For eight months, he lived a double life until Sarah discovered text messages.
"I can still see her face—complete devastation, like I'd torn something out of her chest. She went quiet in a horrible way and asked, 'How could you do this to us?'. I had no answer. I still don't," Michael recounted.
He ended it with Jess immediately and begged forgiveness from Sarah. Two weeks later, Jess lost her job due to the affair. Feeling obligated, Michael helped her with money, coffee meetings, and job searches. Sarah saw this as choosing Jess over the family and filed for divorce. Despite his explanations, he only made things worse.
Five years later, Michael is divorced and has spent every day trying to show Sarah he is not the man who betrayed her. Therapy helped him understand how his father's affairs normalised such behavior, but it does not change the outcome. Sarah is now dating someone else, his daughter has not spoken to him in four years, and his son has a strained relationship, struggling with trust issues.
"I'd give anything to go back. I had everything and I threw it away. Don't be me," Michael lamented.
YES: It Ended in Disaster but I'd Do It Again Because Affair Sex Is the Best There Is
Josh was 38 when he cheated with one of his wife's friends. He lost everything but does not regret it, offering a perspective he believes men will understand instantly while women may not.
"I am a man who is highly sexed and it's my biggest pleasure in life. I enjoy relationships and am perfectly capable of being monogamous but only if the sex stays frequent and exciting. Which in my experience, it rarely does," Josh explained.
He thought he had found the perfect woman, which is why he got married. After six years, things went awry. His wife was initially as into sex as he was, but after she wanted a baby, everything changed. She only wanted sex at certain times to maximise conception chances, and when nothing worked, she became depressed and stopped wanting sex altogether. Josh was sympathetic at first but then expressed his need for regular sex, feeling she was wrapped up in her own world.
He was not actively looking to cheat but was open to it. The affair happened with one of his wife's friends after she hit on him. They started seeing each other once a week.
"Everyone knows that sex you aren't supposed to be having is a hundred times sexier than sex with your partner. It's the best sex I've ever experienced," Josh claimed.
He thought she would be discreet, but she eventually told his wife out of guilt. Remarkably, they remain friends. Josh was immediately booted out, and his wife's lawyer cleaned him out financially.
"I miss my wife sometimes, but I'd still do the same thing if I had my time over. The sex was THAT good," Josh concluded.
These three stories highlight the complex and varied outcomes of infidelity, challenging simplistic notions of right and wrong in relationships.
