Phil Vickery, who won 73 caps for England and toured with the British & Irish Lions in 2001 and 2009, was diagnosed with probable chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) two years ago. In a devastating new interview with The Observer, the 50-year-old admitted he has considered taking his own life and pledged to donate his brain for research.
CTE can only be officially confirmed after death. The disease, caused by repeated head injuries, kills brain cells, shrinks brain tissue and leads to symptoms including severe memory loss and drastic mood swings.
A number of leading rugby players have received the same diagnosis in recent years, including Wales internationals Alix Popham and Ryan Jones. More than 1,000 players, including Vickery, are part of a concussion lawsuit against governing bodies including World Rugby, the RFU and the Welsh Rugby Union. The bodies are accused of failing in their duty of care to protect players during their careers.
'What does it have to take?'
During the interview, Vickery said: "What am I gonna have to do? Jump off f***ing Clifton Suspension Bridge? With a little note put on my neck, 'Please use my f***ng brain'. Actually, I won't jump off there in case I ruin anything. I'll find out how to f***ing kill myself so you can use my brain to prove [CTE]. And I tell you what, let's have a live autopsy with the top f***ing autopsy person in the world doing it for proof. Is that gonna make someone stand up? I don't know. What a horrible thing to say. But what does it have to take?"
He also spoke about the mental blocks he now experiences, recounting how he was left in tears at the side of the road after forgetting how to complete a six-mile trip to deliver food to his partner's grandmother - a journey he had made "20 times". He recalled: "This is not f***ing beating me... What the f***ing hell are you doing, Phil? What is going on? What is going on? And I did get there, in the end. It's just stupid things like that."
He continued: "With the knowledge that we have now, it makes you wanna cry. Because it's f***ing awful. Brain injuries are with you all the time, 24/7, 365 days a year, and it weighs heavy, and it grinds at you all the time. It won't beat me. You know, I keep going."
'I would do it all again'
Despite his struggles, Vickery said he would "do it all again" and called for more focus on helping those who are suffering rather than blaming those who run the sport. He said: "The sport's f***ng amazing. Rugby's an amazing sport. You know, the sad reality is I sit here today – would I do it all again? Oh my God, I would. I'm f***ing mental, but I would because it's amazing. I also sit here knowing there are lots of people out there, I believe, who are suffering because of the sport. And it's not about blaming the sport and about getting all nasty and horrible. Let's just f***ng help people. There are people suffering, so let's help them."
Viewers and fans react
The interview left viewers upset, with one writing: "Wow - very raw. Thoughts with all the players who are dealing with brain injuries as a result of playing a game they love." Another tearfully added: "Goodness me. I hope he's getting some psychological support," while a third wrote: "How desperately, desperately sad."
