Many of us were raised with the same ethos: work hard, get good grades, and dedicate yourself to your career, and then you will be happy and successful. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, being super-dedicated to your job might not be beneficial. In fact, a fifth of UK daters have broken up with a partner over workaholic tendencies, according to new research, with many finding that extra work hours lead to boredom and resentment from their partner.
This situation is difficult to navigate from both sides, particularly because hard work is generally seen as a positive and financially necessary trait. However, there are ways to work around this issue, says Claire Rénier, relationship expert at real-life dating app happn.
Working Hard vs. Relationship Dedication
"Working hard is a good quality in a partner, as it shows they have a strong sense of dedication and commitment," says Rénier. "However, in a relationship, it's crucial that this hard work in the professional world is mirrored by an equally strong dedication to the personal, and when this isn't the case, relationships often struggle."
"These struggles can predominantly stem from a lack of quality time together. With a partner who works hard, it's easy for their work to swallow up more of their time and attention, even outside of the working day, and this can have a knock-on effect into the time they have available for you and your needs," she adds.
What to Do When Work and Relationships Clash
If you have a busy work schedule, it's crucial to carve out enough time for your partner without letting busyness harm the relationship. "This might be scheduling a dedicated weekly 'date night' or hour together every evening, or making sure to check in throughout the day by sharing thoughtful messages and asking how they are," says Rénier. "Your presence doesn't just have to be in person, so if you can't be there physically as much as you would like, make sure to balance this out by still having a caring, thoughtful presence from afar."
"I would also recommend highlighting any busy periods you have coming up at work beforehand, with a clear indication of when this might start or end. This way, your partner can account for you being busy, without it feeling like it's come out of nowhere or has been sprung on them. With this notice, they'd also be able to potentially make other social plans, if they don't want to be home alone without you," she says.
"In the professional world, success is often measured by output, but in relationships, success is built through having a strong connection and presence in each other's lives. It's important not to forget that, even when things get busy."
"Many couples go through periods in which one or both partners are working long hours and they're not able to spend as much time together, but the key to maintaining their relationship's strength simply comes down to being intentional about not losing their connection," says Rénier. "This can take a few different forms, but being intentional is about going back to the basics and laying down simple boundaries that can help you both remember why you enjoy each other's company. It can be as simple as a 'no screens' rule', prioritising coming home for dinner, or blocking out your Sundays for each other. Making the effort to carve out quality time will make it clear that you both value the relationship, even when life gets busy."
Warning Signs That Work Is Damaging Your Relationship
It's rarely one big fight or someone working too hard that ends things; relationships typically break down over a longer period. "The little things matter in relationships, and if you're not around to hear about your partner's day or seem tired, you miss out on those quality interactions that can bring you closer, even if it's just joking about something either of you experienced over the course of the day," says Rénier.
Whether it's missing out on these conversations or experiencing lower levels of intimacy due to absence or tiredness, connections can fade easily, which can result in longer-term relationships breaking down, even if there's no bad blood. "With this in mind, to make sure your relationship lasts in the long term, it's crucial that both partners be fully present and available when they can, to compensate for any work-dictated absences. Focus on being entirely together in the time you have," says Rénier.
How Does Having Kids Affect the Dynamic?
The work/relationship balance can become even more stressful when you have children to look after. Caring for just one child is often a full-time job in itself, and it can be harder to spend quality time with your partner when you're both worried about nappies, schoolwork, or teenage hormones.
Added to that, parenting is expensive, so sometimes one partner takes on more work to financially support the family. This can cause fights if someone feels like a single parent, making it easier for them to be angry if their partner isn't pulling their weight around the house. But if the breadwinner spends more time in the office and less time with their children, they can easily feel disconnected from their family and burdened by the financial pressure to provide for their kids.
Rénier's advice: "Even amongst the busyness of the school run and cooking meals for the family, it's important to make sure that your relationship isn't reduced from 'romantic partners' to 'co-parents'. This could look like having a date night once every couple of weeks or prioritising the time you get together after the children have gone to bed. While quality time with the whole family is important, spending time alone together will maintain the spark in your relationship."
How to Talk About This Issue Without Having an Argument
If you're upset by how frequently your partner is working or feeling that this is impacting your relationship, it's important to have an honest conversation that explains how you feel without placing blame. "Remember that they're not in the wrong for working so hard, so rather than accusing them or making any assumptions about where their priorities lie, let them know how you're feeling and discuss how you can both take steps to reignite your connection," says Rénier.
"For example, asking the question 'I've been missing the time that we spend together, how can we reconnect?' makes it clear that you're more committed to rebuilding the relationship than winning an argument. It may be the case that they've been feeling the distance too, but weren't sure how to have the conversation."
Showing that you recognise the effort your partner puts into your connection will make the relationship one filled with gratitude, instead of resentment. "If your partner is constantly busy at work, acknowledging the financial or career pressure that they may be feeling can stop conversations from getting heated," advises Rénier. "Work plays such a big part in our lives that it's impossible to completely separate it from our relationships, so showing that you're there for your partner even when they're under career stress can go a long way."
"Being intentional about sharing your work life with your partner, without letting it take over your relationship, will make sure that you're both included in each other's lives without losing what makes your connection special. On the other hand, if your partner tends to have a less demanding work schedule, it's important that you show gratitude for the work that they may be taking on more of at home, whether this is looking after any children or taking on more housework. At the end of the day, it's crucial to show empathy, thanks, and understanding for what each person is doing."
