A man in his late-30s has asked for advice after breaking up with his first serious girlfriend 10 years ago, but she still sends him flirty messages all the time. He says he thinks of her just as an old friend, but believes her feelings run deeper, even after all this time.
The reader explains they started dating seriously in their early-20s and were together for a few years. The problem now is that he is in a serious relationship and moved in with his partner a few months ago. He does not want to hide the messages from her or constantly worry that she will look at his phone and misinterpret them.
Honesty about contact with ex
He has told his partner about his ex, as they have talked about their relationship history, but he has not been entirely honest about how much they contact each other. He says she was a big part of his past and it was an important relationship, but he does not think it is doing either of them any favours to still be messaging so much all these years later.
If he thought she just wanted friendship, then it might be different, but he does think her feelings run deeper. He does not want to upset her, though, and has asked for advice.
Coleen's advice
Coleen says the best thing to do is to send her a really nice final message, explaining that he has met someone and moved in with her, and feels it is disrespectful to her to carry on messaging, even as a friend, because they have a past. She advises wishing her well and then deleting the chats. He could go further and block her number, but hopefully it will not be necessary.
Coleen acknowledges that cutting the cord completely is a hard thing to do, but if he really feels she is still holding out hope of a romantic relationship, then he has to shut it down. She says sometimes you have got to let go of the past to move on in your life, and this friendship with his ex is probably stopping her from moving forward and giving herself the chance to meet someone special.
Consider your partner's perspective
Coleen also points out that now he is in a serious relationship, he should imagine if his girlfriend was constantly texting an old boyfriend. He would not like it and it might make him feel worried or insecure. She says she is sure he has enough friends not to need his ex in his life, and suggests that if they bump into each other socially now and again, they could have a chat or comment on each other's social media posts occasionally, and that would be a better way to stay friends.
In her words of wisdom, Coleen notes it is human nature to dwell on the stuff that is going wrong, so it is important to pause and appreciate what is going right. She advises reminding yourself of how far you have come and all the good people and things you have in your life.
