A reader has written to agony aunt Coleen Nolan about a friend who is too full-on and oversteps boundaries, despite attempts to back away. The friend now uses their daughters' friendship to stay involved in the reader's life.
The Problem: A Friend Who Doesn't Take a Hint
The reader explains that she tried backing off and becoming less available, but her friend hasn't taken the hint. Instead, the friend organises days out and sleepovers, claiming the girls arranged them. The daughters, both 15, have been friends since reception, and the reader doesn't want to damage their friendship.
The main annoyance is the friend turning up unannounced, expecting coffee or a drink, and staying for hours, even during dinner. The friend seems unaware of boundaries or how her behaviour affects others.
The friend also allows her daughter to do things the reader doesn't permit, like drinking alcohol at parties and travelling alone, making the reader feel boring for saying no.
Coleen's Advice: Be Direct and Assertive
Coleen advises the reader to set clear boundaries. She suggests saying, "If I find out my daughter is drinking or staying out late when she's at yours, she won't stay again." For assertiveness, phrases like "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me" or "Sorry, I'm not available" are effective.
Coleen warns against giving reasons or excuses, as the friend will try to find solutions. "You don't owe her an explanation, and you don't have to justify why you're not available," she says.
Stick to Your Guns
On the 'boring mum' issue, Coleen advises sticking to your principles, regardless of what others do. She recalls telling her daughter Ciara: "While I love all your friends and would be so upset if anything happened to them, if anything happened to you my life would be over and, while I can control things, that's what I'm going to do."
If the friend has a problem with the new boundaries, that's hers to deal with. "Maybe she'll fall out with you, but it doesn't sound as if that would be the end of the world," Coleen adds.
Words of Wisdom
Coleen concludes: "If you want your life to change, then you have to do something different. Even if you start by making a few small positive changes to your daily routine, it'll shake things up and help to shift your mindset."
