A 29-year-old woman is facing a family rift after her mother reacted angrily to a wedding gift from her divorced father, branding it “guilt money”. The bride-to-be, who is getting married next summer, says her dad kindly gave her and her fiancé money towards the wedding, which they are mostly paying for themselves. However, her mum has “hit the roof” over the gesture.
Mother's outburst over gift
The woman explains that her parents divorced 11 years ago in an acrimonious split that was hard on her and her brother. There were no affairs – she thinks they were just “done with each other”. Over the years, they gradually became friendly again and now keep in touch, and the family sees them together at events, which has been nice. Her dad has remarried, but her mum is still on her own.
The mother rang the father to say he can't absolve himself of guilt over being a “rubbish parent” by paying her off. She has also kicked off about his wife being involved in the wedding. The daughter says the reaction is unfair to her dad, who is very upset, and she is shocked by how her mum has behaved, feeling she is using the wedding as an excuse to vent stored-up anger.
Advice on handling the situation
In response, agony aunt Coleen Nolan suggests asking the mum why she is so angry, wondering if something happened during the marriage that the daughter doesn't know about. She advises explaining that she is confused because she sees her parents getting on well, and asking what the mum means by “guilt money”.
Coleen says if the daughter never experienced her dad being a terrible parent, then the mum owes her an explanation. She also owes it to her to hold it together for the wedding and be reasonable about the stepmum being there. The mum might feel put out because she can't afford to offer money, triggering the “green-eyed monster” as she sees her ex happily married and doing OK financially while perhaps struggling herself.
Coleen, who has been through two divorces, says she shielded her kids from things when they were younger to ensure they had a good relationship with their dads. She notes it can be annoying when kids get older and start hero-worshipping the other parent, thinking “What about all the stuff I did for you every day when I was raising you?” She says it's normal for a divorced parent to feel those things, but whatever has gone on, it shouldn't spoil the wedding, and the daughter should tell her that.
