As Metro set up in the media room at the Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham's ICC, a man walked in with his arms full of blue paper bags. He was from the Tory press team, and the bags contained a multitude of tongue-in-cheek treats to help get the journalists through the coming days.
Since the atmosphere in Birmingham is more jovial than it has been in the past, it makes sense that some of the items in the bag are genuinely good fun, too. Metro took readers through them, ranking them, and explaining what exactly they tell us about where the Tories currently are.
6. Bottler Burnham
It's a bottle of water, with the label swapped out to include a cartoon of Burnham that looks very reminiscent of artist Stanley Chow's well-known illustration. (He's said he'll be seeking legal advice.) However, the real reason this item's at the bottom of the ranking is because it's so confusing.
A Tory press officer explained that the 'Bottler' angle referred to the PM's decision not to call a snap election. But that's not something the Tories are pushing for – and why would they, since current polls suggest they'd only get into power with the help of Reform UK? Not to mention the small print on the label, which says: 'Bottled under pressure from Badenoch.' So… he opted against a snap election thanks to the Tory leader? A baffling item all round.
5. Hydration sachet and 4. The Right Way
The hydration sachet is the most useful item included in the goodie bag, but also a bit boring, so it only reaches number five.
The Right Way is an 83-page pamphlet which Kemi Badenoch spent her summer writing, to set out her principles and the way she would approach governing the country. The name is deliberately reminiscent of a similar pamphlet written by Margaret Thatcher 50 years ago, called The Right Approach. As a piece of long-form intellectual literature from a party leader, it's welcome. As an item in a bundle of freebies, maybe not so much.
3. Andy Panders' People Pleaser Pick N Mix
It certainly has the best name in the goodie bag, which plays on Badenoch's current best attack line against the PM – that he doesn't like upsetting people. Elsewhere on the label, it says: 'Free sweets for everyone, it will only cost you higher taxes.' Again, this one features a familiar cartoon of Burnham, only with even more fabulous eyelashes. And again, Stanley Chow isn't happy about it.
2. Ticket to the Birmingham Tapestry
Tickets to the actual Bayeux Tapestry exhibition at the British Museum are long gone at this point, but those at the Conservative conference are in luck. For free, they can check out the genuinely impressive parody version in Birmingham, which tells the story of British politics since the 2024 election in 61 AI-generated scenes printed on an actual linen blend. Highlights include a scene of Angela Rayner vaping on a dinghy and Badenoch chasing a pint-sized Robert Jenrick out of her party. The ticket in the goodie bag isn't required for entry, but it's a nice reminder of the unquestioned highlight of this year's conference.
1. Nigel Farage's brown envelope
In terms of effort, there's no doubt this is the number one item among the freebies. It's a small brown envelope addressed to Farage at Reform's Millbank Tower headquarters, alongside postmarks from Thailand, where top donor Chris Harborne is based; Montenegro, where backer George Cottrell has a home; and Russia. Inside are chocolate coins – on one side is an AI-generated laughing Farage, with the phrase 'Farage's Fishy Funding' beside 'Russia Bank' in Cyrillic, and there's a Bitcoin logo on the other side. It will likely succeed in winding up Farage and Reform UK, particularly the implications of links with Russia.
