The Conservative party conference in Birmingham has been marked by sparse attendance and a speech from shadow chancellor Andrew Griffith that has been described as the worst ever heard. The event, which runs for four days, has seen no queues for food concessions or halls, with organisers reportedly delighted that anyone has turned up at all.
A subdued atmosphere
The conference does not feel like a high-octane meeting of a party preparing for government, but more like a home counties meeting of the Rotary Club. Attendees appear thrilled to find themselves still alive, having faced the possibility of extinction this time last year, with a leader in Kemi Badenoch who looked unlikely to last six months. Since then, things have stabilised as Robert Jenrick has been stopped from pulling out their ventilator in the intensive care unit, leaving the party as an endangered species. The conference centre is described as a safari park attraction where the remnants of the Tory party can be seen in a protected habitat.
Main hall events
The morning's activities took place in what is optimistically called the main hall, a hard-to-find side room with a capacity of about 200. Shadow transport secretary Richard Holden managed to bore even himself, with the hall about a third full. Shadow education secretary Damian Hinds stumbled over his notes for five minutes, with 24 people watching an empty stage online after he had left, while only 17 had been online when he was talking.
For the afternoon offering, the venue moved to a slightly bigger hall for what was billed as a "major speech by the shadow chancellor". The audience was made to sit through an hour and a half of nothingness before the main event, with at least another third of the audience leaving beforehand.
Clarkson's appearance
Shadow Defra secretary Victoria Atkins positioned herself as a cable TV presenter, chatting to her guest Jeremy Clarkson, with 53 people watching online. Clarkson said, "Wow, there's an awful lot of people here dressed as seats!" and discussed the farming summer, replying that the Diddly Squat farm had produced several ounces of hen food because of the extreme heat. He is not a Tory party member and has only turned up because he will go anywhere people will have him to talk about farming.
Griffith's speech
The conference then became one long car crash, with panels featuring rightwing hacks and a businesswoman congratulating herself on not getting stabbed on the train to Brum, and a businessman sobbing at the thought of billionaires being asked to pay inheritance tax. Griffith then gave what is described as the worst speech ever heard, not just in content but in delivery, like watching a less sentient version of the PG Tips monkey, constantly applauding himself and ending his sentences with "Yeah". He said he would build more homes that were uninsulated and might fall down because they were cheaper, and would cut taxes and regulations the Tories had themselves introduced. "This is our destiny," he said, before dematerialising, as though he had been primitive AI and his controller had seen quite enough and decommissioned him.
