A man in his 30s has revealed he is struggling to decide whether to take back his partner of eight years after discovering she had an on/off affair for almost their entire relationship. The affair was with a man she has known since her teenage years and lasted for all but the first six months of their relationship.
Discovery and Split
The couple split up and she moved out, but they have remained in touch. She has apologised and said she has been having therapy. She attributes her behaviour to a difficult childhood, with parents who were both drinkers and a toxic home life.
Despite her explanation, the man feels she must take responsibility and stop blaming the past. He describes the affair, which was not a one-night stand, as making a mockery of their relationship and says his sense of betrayal is an understatement.
Conflicting Feelings
He admits he has always loved her, misses her, and had expected to spend his life with her. However, everyone else in his life is urging him not to take her back.
In response, Coleen acknowledges the devastation of the discovery and notes that whether infidelity is a one-night stand or a years-long affair, the outcome is the same: it destroys trust, which is very hard to reset.
Advice on the Decision
Coleen advises the man to set aside his friends' opinions, as it is not their life or decision. She says she would find it hard to take someone back in this situation, but acknowledges it is easy to say without having feelings for her.
She urges him to take a long, hard look at what going back would be like, and reminds him that loving someone does not mean he should be with them. She suggests he give himself the opportunity to be alone, to heal, and to move on.
Coleen warns that he is vulnerable right now because the break-up is raw and his ex is making promises. She advises him not to go back because it is familiar, and to take time to rebuild his self-esteem and confidence.
