The prime minister gave far and away the most powerful, emotional and gamechanging leader's speech of the century, according to John Crace's digested week.
Gove's War Game Shockers
Monday began with a surprising debt of gratitude to the Tory party. Despite ending up with Theresa May and Boris Johnson in the 2016 and 2019 leadership contests, Tory MPs twice ensured the country dodged the bullet of Michael Gove. Last week, Sky broadcast The War Game, a reality show for superannuated politicians and former senior civil servants and military officers. The premise: Russians engineered an attack on a British warship in the North Sea, and over four episodes set in the Cobra emergency situation room, the cast had to figure out how to respond.
The final credits left viewers hanging, but a nuclear apocalypse felt most likely. Gove, playing the prime minister, had an absolute shocker. For the first two episodes he seemed in a coma, repeating back what the last person said and shouting "asap". But that was preferable to the Gove of the last two episodes. Despite warnings about escalation and the inadequacy of the UK war machine, he kept taking the option that would get the most people killed. Why bomb one Russian city when you can bomb two? The game ended with nuclear warheads minutes away from destroying a major UK city.
Nicola Sturgeon, acting deputy prime minister, was as hopeless as expected of someone who failed to notice her kitchen filling with new appliances. It was terrifying TV, not so much in the premise but in the knowledge that politicians were even more clueless than the rest of us.
Manchester City Found Guilty
Tuesday saw Pep Guardiola's well-timed departure. Manchester City's top bosses responded to being found guilty of 114 charges of financial misconduct by insisting they would appeal and drag out proceedings, hoping charges will go away or penalties reduce. The main reaction was surprise, not that City were innocent—every football fan thought they were bang to rights—but that the Premier League finally did something. The earliest charges date back 17 years.
What happens next is anyone's guess. Any fine would be meaningless as City's owners have bottomless pockets. Removing titles is equally pointless. Compensation is more nuanced—where does it end? Could a fan file a claim for mental distress, travel and ticket costs for matches financially rigged against Spurs? There has been talk of a 50-point deduction, probably not enough to ensure they finish behind Spurs. We're only five games into the season and already 13 points adrift.
Burnham's Conference Triumph
Wednesday brought the Labour conference in Liverpool. The writer has spent six months of his life at party conferences, and the days can feel long. His heart sank at the "Hope Again" slogan on banners, mugs and T-shirts. Chancellor John Healey lied through his teeth saying "I am an optimist", dropping the H-word about 20 times, each gasp looking like a dagger plunged into his heart.
But then came Andy Burnham. By far and away the most powerful, emotional and gamechanging leader's speech of the century. It's rare for a politician to hold an audience for an hour and say exactly what he thinks, feels and believes. Only Nigel Farage comes close, but he offers only anger, grievance and division. Burnham offered a world of social care, closer ties to the EU and electoral reform. It was as though the sun had come out.
Turning 70 and Celebrity Traitors
Thursday marked the writer's impending 70th birthday. No one suggests 70 is the new 60; seventy is unequivocally old. He had a heart attack two and a half years ago, his wife is being treated for cancer, but he still enjoys work and goes to the gym four times a week. Watching 70 Up, he felt kinship with the participants, but now 70 is the end point of the series, as though lives have come to a meaningful end. He plans to keep going, with shows at the Komedia in Brighton on 18 October and the MAC in Birmingham on 31 October.
Friday brought Celebrity Traitors back. The first episode didn't live up to the hype but was a good scene setter. Side missions feel pointless—everyone is in it for ego and career rather than charity cash. Ross Kemp showed worrying paranoia. Actor Michael Sheen declared he didn't know what he was letting himself in for and said "I'm a huge fan of the game". Claudia nominated Maya and Richard E Grant as traitors. Richard, desperate to be a traitor, promptly told all the other celebs he was a traitor, a move that may prove utterly inspired or catastrophically dim. After a night to sleep on it, he spent the day trying to persuade everyone it was a bluff.
