A man who has been married for 20 years is torn between staying in a loveless marriage and leaving for a woman he truly cares about. He admits to several affairs during the marriage, driven mostly by loneliness, and now fears that leaving will devastate his wife.
The Struggling Marriage
The 48-year-old man, who has been with his wife since they were both 28, describes the first five years of marriage as idyllic, but says romance and intimacy have become distant memories. His wife lost interest in sex, and neither of them addressed the issue, leaving both to blame for the current state of the relationship.
He has had several affairs, which he says were mostly out of loneliness rather than a need for sex, though he also missed the physical side. His wife knew about the affairs but never confronted him, choosing to turn a blind eye and continue the marriage. They are good friends and good parents, but nothing more.
The Dilemma and Coleen's Advice
Now he is seeing a woman he really cares for and wants to leave the marriage, but he is worried about hurting his wife, who does not want to face the truth. He asks whether he should be completely honest about the affair.
Coleen Nolan, the advice columnist, responds that it sounds like the relationship has reached a point of no return, and the wife deserves the truth. She says the worst thing would be knowing someone stayed out of guilt or pity. She also notes that the man avoided dealing with the truth as much as his wife did by having affairs instead of confronting the issues.
Planning for the Future
Coleen advises him to be honest and start planning what happens next, including where he will live and how to talk to the kids. She says heartbreak is inevitable after 20 years together and raising a family, and he should expect confrontation, tears, and anger. She recommends taking time, listening, staying calm, and discussing how to move forward, adding that counselling could ease the process for both.
