A TikToker's controversial take that cheaters should keep infidelity secret has sparked debate, with a relationship therapist offering a key question to consider before confessing.
@FashionablyDivorced argued in a video: 'If you've cheated on your spouse and they don't know — don't tell them.' She said keeping it secret is kinder, as telling 'has the potential to completely destroy their psyche.' Many commenters agreed, with @clint writing: 'If you really love your partner, never tell.'
Therapist's advice
Relationship therapist Dr Madeleine Roantree says there's no right or wrong approach, but suggests asking: 'Is this my information to share, or theirs to have?' She notes: 'Everyone agrees deception is bad in the abstract. What we disagree on is whether omission of a resolved, non-recurring event counts as deception at all.'
Arguments for staying silent
Madeleine explains that some people take a 'consequentialist' view: 'If the affair was a one-off, is over, and the disclosure's only function is to transfer guilt rather than change anything going forward, some argue the harm of telling can outweigh the harm of not telling.' She compares it to taking office stationery and deciding not to mention it.
However, many online disagreed. One user wrote: 'I totally disagree. I was cheated on in the past, and was gaslit. There is a pretty good chance it will come to light eventually. The longer you go without confessing, the more damage it causes.' Another added: 'You should tell them the truth and give them the option on fixing or leaving the relationship.'
Arguments for telling the truth
Madeleine acknowledges the counterargument: 'There's the argument that your partner can't make informed choices about their own life without accurate information. Choosing silence to preserve a relationship that couldn't survive the truth means the remaining relationship is being sustained by a lie and the partner is consenting to a partnership that doesn't actually exist as they understand it.'
When to confess
There's never a good time, but Madeleine says giving yourself time to process is reasonable. 'People are allowed to think before they act. You don't want to minimise the devastating effect infidelity can have on someone, but equally we need to remember we are all capable of doing 'bad things' and try not to character assassinate yourself as being inherently a bad person.'
