Dear Coleen,
My ex-boyfriend got married last year to a girl his family approved of. To be honest, it was always on the cards because of his culture, but I suppose we tried to ignore it while we were dating. He was under so much pressure, though, so the inevitable happened and we broke up, which hurt both of us.
We haven’t been in touch for a few months, but he reached out to me recently and we met up. All those feelings we had for each other came flooding back and it was hard to say goodbye at the end of the night.
We were together for a few years – all through university – so it wasn’t some throwaway relationship. He was a big part of my life and my friendship group. We’ve been exchanging lots of messages and he’s suggested carrying on seeing each other in secret.
This is really difficult for me because I know it’s wrong and there’s no future in it, but I still love him and miss him every day. I know he’d never go against his family by leaving his marriage for me, but all I want to do is be with him. Please help.
Coleen says
You’re not going to like this, but I think it’s going to be impossible for you to move on in your life and be open to a new relationship while your ex is still in the picture. I think you might start to feel differently if you were able to put this relationship behind you once and for all, which means cutting contact.
You know this relationship wouldn’t lead anywhere and you deserve so much more than being someone’s secret. You deserve a loving relationship with someone who can be completely yours.
He’s made his decision and I’m afraid he just has to get on with it. I think you know that the right thing to do is to cut ties and make a new and lovely life for yourself.
I understand that’s difficult when you still have such strong feelings for him, but you need to give yourself time for those feelings to fade and they will. Don’t waste years involved in an affair with someone who’s never going to commit to a life with you. You deserve better and, honestly, so does his wife.
Coleen’s words of wisdom
Don’t live your life to impress other people – live it for yourself. The truth is, most people are so wrapped up in themselves, they wouldn’t notice anyway. Trust what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.
