The late 80s and early 90s were a golden era for ninja games, but as one reader points out, they weren't always the most authentic or plausible. Once, video games made sense: a plumber who 'fixed' pipes, hedgehogs that ran briskly, and spaceships shooting aliens. Then, someone decided the concept of a ninja wasn't nearly stupid enough, ushering in an age of 'ninja nonsense nunchuk-ery.' Suddenly, every arcade game was packed with not-so-secret clans—entire cities, streets, factories, forests, sewers, and even golf courses teeming with ninjas.
Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja: Punch First, Ask Never
This is the sort of game that makes you realise how easily pleased you were as a kid. You play as Blade or Striker, two patriotic men whose solution to the kidnapping of the president is to walk across America punching every human they encounter. The gameplay is simple: walk right, punch ninjas, occasionally spinny kick, and hope nobody notices your limited move set. You can pick up a can of soda, kept at body temp and pre-shaken, ensuring the deceased enemy gets the last laugh. The real star is the premise: 'Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?' Ridiculous, repetitive, and gloriously stupid, it's gaming distilled to its purest form.
Shinobi and Its Revenge: Stealth? What Stealth?
Shinobi's protagonist, Joe Musashi, is a highly trained ninja whose idea of subtle infiltration is to sprint at an army of heavily armed men and pin stars to their chests. The plot involves kidnapped children and an evil organisation, with a mission as simple as rescue the kids and destroy the criminals. The Revenge Of Shinobi adds magic, atomic seppuku, Godzilla, and enough shuriken to make a RAM shortage look contrived. Joe's wife is kidnapped by Neo Zeed, prompting him to walk through cities and military installations, murdering around 700 people. The controls are 'kind of adequate,' but the arsenal makes you feel less like a stealthy assassin and more like a noisy drawer of cutlery.
Alex Kidd and Shadow Dancer: Kids and Dogs
Alex Kidd In Shinobi World begins with Alex's girlfriend kidnapped by the evil ninja Hanzo, but instead of a grim warrior, you get a giant-headed child bouncing around. It's Sega taking Shinobi, putting it through a washing machine, and hoping nobody notices—yet it works. Ninjas swarm like a cosplay convention, and the best part is the complete lack of concern from law enforcement. Shadow Dancer: The Secret Of Shinobi features Hayate, a trained assassin with a wolf sidekick. The dog can pin enemies to the ground, allowing you to finish them off—so ironically, the dog does all the footwork. Nobody remembers Hayate's moves; they remember the bloody dog.
Ninja Golf: The Final Absurdity
Finally, a game brave enough to ask, 'What if golf was considerably more violent?' Ninja Golf is the greatest example of a development meeting where nobody said, 'We're gonna do what now?' You're a ninja playing golf, but instead of stealing your ball, ninjas steal your life. You tee off, leg it to the right, and face an onslaught of green-with-envy ninjas and their pets. If you survive, an enormous dragon waits at the end. Why? Who cares. You are a ninja with a golf club... fore!
