After Kevin's cancer diagnosis and recovery, he and Jade opened their relationship, explored polyamory, and Kevin now identifies as queer. The couple, together for 11 years, say the shift has boosted their confidence and intimacy.
Shifting Sexuality After Illness
Kevin, 38, says his relationship with his sexuality has shifted a lot since getting the all-clear from cancer 10 years ago. He also has been in recovery from drug addiction since age 19. He notes there have been times when sex was important, and periods of abstaining and working on himself.
Kevin and Jade have been together for 11 years, and he describes their sex as always good – not particularly kinky, just intimate and nice. He became ill less than a year into the relationship and had to have one of his testicles removed, which immediately stopped any sex. During chemotherapy, sex was not on his mind, and he calls the period incredibly traumatic. He says he is eternally grateful Jade stuck with him.
Opening the Relationship
When Jade came back from a party and said a couple had asked her for a threesome, the couple was in a good place, having sex multiple times a week and talking openly. They were actively looking for something fun, exciting, and maybe a bit naughty. When she asked how he felt, Kevin's reaction was, “I feel pretty good.”
They started going to parties and clubs together. Kevin says the first time he saw Jade with a guy, he thought, “Oh, this is actually really nice.” They were instantly more attracted to each other, and the added spice gave them a boost. They found operating as a couple and seeing each other with other people easy, and there was an instant uptick in the amount and excitement of their sex.
Confidence and Identity
Kevin has scarring from the operation: all lymph nodes were removed from one side of his groin, and there is a big scar where the testicle was removed on the other side. He says that was a massive blow to his confidence and self-image. But since exploring polyamory, he feels far more confident and better than ever. He says his relationship to his own sexuality, confidence, and body is miles ahead of where it was. If asked three years ago, he would have said he was straight; he now identifies as queer.
Jade, 37, says Kevin's cancer diagnosis early on shaped things, and they had so many challenges that sex was not at the forefront of her mind. They were monogamous for eight years but decided to open things up three years ago, not to fix something but because they were in a great space and wanted to share and accelerate it with others. A few years after Kevin's all-clear, Jade had the opportunity for a threesome at a party; she didn't do it but told Kevin she thought it would be fun, and he immediately said, “Right then, let’s do it.”
Mutual Exploration and Challenges
They started going to sex-positive parties and playing together in group settings or with a third person. Now they date and have sex with other people solo. Jade sleeps with men, women, and everyone in between, as does Kevin, calling it a very mutual exploration.
Jade had never really considered non-monogamy before, noting there is an assumed way of being that you accept, then discover richness outside monogamy and what it can bring to the relationship with your primary partner. One main challenge is doing things at different paces: Kevin is open-hearted and forms strong, close relationships, which can create imbalance. Jade has had to learn a balance between independence and togetherness. She says it feels great when both of their cups are full, with both getting meaningful, fun, exciting experiences independently and together.
Names have been changed.
