A man in his early 30s is struggling with a moral dilemma: his close friend, also 32, is self-destructing, drinking excessively and getting into trouble. Recently, the friend confessed to sleeping with a co-worker, despite being in a long-term relationship with a woman who is also an old friend of the letter writer. The man describes his friend's girlfriend as "the loveliest girl" and feels she deserves to know the truth.
The friend's behavior
The letter writer suspects his friend's behavior stems from a new job, where he's trying to impress younger colleagues. He's tried talking to his friend before, but it proved pointless. Now, he feels a duty to inform his friend's girlfriend, especially since all his female friends agree he should speak up. However, he's hesitant, fearing the consequences.
Coleen's advice
Coleen suggests trying one more conversation with the friend, explaining that his behavior has put the letter writer in a difficult position because his girlfriend is also a friend. She advises being honest about feelings regarding the behavior.
Regarding telling the girlfriend, Coleen warns of the "shoot the messenger" risk: she might be devastated, then reconcile with her boyfriend, leaving the letter writer ostracized. She also suggests reminding the friend that such secrets often come to light, as gossip spreads. If it happens again, the letter writer should make clear he doesn't want to know.
Coleen shares a personal story: she lost friends who knew about her husband's affair but couldn't tell her. They stopped coming for Sunday dinner, which confirmed her suspicions. After the affair came out, they explained they couldn't sit at her table pretending everything was fine. She respected them for that.
Coleen's final advice: "So, another thing you could do is not sit at their table."
