A married father of two has written to Coleen Nolan for advice after developing strong feelings for a woman he met through work. The man, who has been with his wife for 10 years and has two young children, says he loves his wife and children without question but is confused by his attraction to a colleague.
The Reader's Dilemma
He explains that he is working closely on a project with this woman and feels a strong physical and emotional attraction. "I can’t explain it, but we just click and it feels like I’ve known her forever," he writes. "I feel the same as I did when I first got together with my wife, which is very confusing."
The reader admits he never expected this to happen and insists he is not a cheater, but the feelings are making him question his marriage. "I know how lucky I am to have my wife – she’s a total knockout and a lovely person, not to mention a great mum," he adds. He asks whether he should take these feelings seriously or try to ignore them.
Coleen's Response
Coleen Nolan describes the situation as a crush or infatuation, not love. "It’s normal to be attracted to other people, even when you’re in a happy relationship and love your partner, and it’s not a sign to blow up your marriage," she advises.
Her key recommendation is to back away from the colleague. "I realise you have to work together for the moment, but you don’t have to engage outside of work. That means no coffee dates, no lunches, no drinks on the way home and no texts or emails that don’t concern work." She believes that by committing time and energy to his marriage, the feelings for the other woman will fade.
A Reality Check
Coleen urges the reader to remind himself of the life he has built with his wife: "Your family and your home – and all the experiences you’ve had together over the years. Then ask yourself why you’d risk it for an office romance with a woman you barely know." She advises him to imagine telling his wife about the other woman and leaving, as a way to give himself a reality check.
She also notes that long-term relationships can go through dull periods, but it is up to the couple to put effort into staying connected. "If you’re missing romance or intimacy, do something about it. It’s up to you to create the excitement."
Words of Wisdom
Coleen adds that when people romanticise a past relationship, they should ask if they are missing the ex or the feeling of believing things would work out. She reminds them to recall why the relationship ended.
