A woman has written to agony aunt Jane O'Gorman for advice after her partner repeatedly pushed for sex in risky outdoor locations, including car parks, toilets and museums. She fears that refusing him will drive him away, but she is also haunted by a recent humiliating encounter with a neighbour in a known dogging area.
Relationship built on thrill-seeking
The woman explained that her partner, who never feels the cold and enjoys wild water swimming, sees outdoor intimacy as exciting and daring. He has told her that the risk of being caught would improve their sex life. She, however, is not convinced and has tried to impress him since they got together in July, after both left long-term partners.
They had fun at the beach and in the woods, but the mood changed when they were caught by a neighbour during a mini sex party with another couple in a well-known dogging area. "I literally had my knickers around my ankles," she wrote. "My dog walking neighbour looked at me with contempt, and I've never felt more humiliated."
Fear of being alone
Despite being able to afford nights in good hotels, her partner prefers outdoor encounters, admitting that peril and uncertainty excite him. The woman is terrified that if she keeps saying no, he will find someone else. She has given up a lot to be with him and cannot face being on her own, as her ex-partner has already moved in with someone else.
In her response, Jane O'Gorman said the woman does not need an excuse. "You don't need an 'excuse'. If you don't want to have sex outside now – or at any time in the future – then you're entitled to say 'no thanks' and that be the end of the matter."
Be true to yourself
Jane acknowledged that the early days of the relationship were fun and free, but noted that circumstances and priorities change. She said the embarrassing close shave at the dogging area clearly shook the woman, who is now worried about her safety and reputation.
"You cannot fear being on your own again if this current guy is not right for you," Jane wrote. "What you can't do, however, is sell yourself short deny who you really are – and what turns you on. You need to be true to yourself."
Jane O'Gorman offers daily advice to Daily Star readers on issues ranging from bedroom confessions to self-confidence and drug use. Readers can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP, or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Jane cannot respond to individual letters, and not all problems will be published.
