Grief therapist David Kessler advises living to honor a lost child. After Renzo's sudden death at 22 months, the author found solace in music and poetry, despite initial resistance.
Anticipatory Grief and Sudden Loss
Kessler's videos on grief introduced the concept of anticipatory grief, which the author lacked after Renzo's unexpected aneurysm. He felt resentful toward those who could pre-grieve, but Kessler acknowledged the brutality of surprise loss: "It's so much more brutal. I don't have to tell you how brutal it is. You know."
The Goal of Grief Work
Kessler stated, "The goal of grief work is to remember our child with more love than pain." The author initially dreaded this, fearing that feeling better would distance him from Renzo. Kessler challenged him: "We've been given more life. So what are we going to do with the rest of our lives?"
Seeking Beauty and Meaning
Finding music unbearable, the author turned to Indian santoor music and pianist Bill Evans. Evans's album You Must Believe in Spring became a touchstone, its title resonating with a promise of renewal after Renzo's Christmas Eve death.
