After 15 years of trying for a baby, countless rounds of fertility treatment and the devastating loss of their daughter, a Heywood couple thought their dream of becoming parents was finally over. Now, just when they had begun to accept they might never have the family they had always dreamed of, an extraordinary offer from a friend has given them one last chance.
A Journey of Loss and Hope
For Emma and Dan, the dream of becoming parents began more than 15 years ago, when they were just 25 and 26 and believed starting a family would be something that happened naturally. Instead, their journey has taken them through infertility, years of struggling to access treatment, an international move, IVF, multiple pregnancy losses and the devastating death of their daughter, Avery Joy.
Emma, 40, was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries from a young age and had always known there could be difficulties when she eventually wanted children. When she and Dan decided to start a family, they tried for a year before seeking medical help and were referred to fertility services at Salford Royal.
Years of Struggling to Access Treatment
What followed was an eight-year struggle to access the treatment they desperately needed. "We spent eight years going back and forth to the doctors just to be told that I was too fat, really, to have a baby and I needed to lose weight before they would even consider putting me on a waiting list for anything," Emma said. "We tried everything. We tried Slimming World. I lost 40 pounds but I still wasn't referred. We tried acupuncture, we tried reflexology, we tried everything in the hope that it might give us an option to even have a chance of starting a family."
The experience had a profound impact on Emma's mental health. "It got to the point where I was just so depressed. I wouldn't get up out of bed on a Saturday. I found that really, really hard. It was just an awful experience." During those darkest days, Dan remained her rock and the couple brought their beloved cocker spaniel Kasper into their lives. "I got my dog and my husband bought me this beautiful cocker spaniel and between him and my husband, they saved my life," she said.
Relocating to Canada for Treatment
In 2018, they made the enormous decision to relocate to Canada, leaving behind their families, friends, careers, home and familiar life. Emma had been a teacher for 10 years and gave up her career to move across the Atlantic with Dan.
"We decided that we couldn't keep living appointment to appointment," she said. "We did some research and there was no BMI cut-off in Canada that was so low, and there was access to free healthcare after you'd lived there for three months. We decided to move over there." Within 18 months, the medical care Emma received had made a difference. "I was ovulating, which I'd never done before. All of the problems I'd been having had been resolved, but then we also had male-factor infertility as well, which we discovered when we got to Canada."
They were referred to Markham Fertility Centre and finally began IVF. For Emma, the care she received there was a world away from the experience she had endured in England. "My doctor was what I would call an angel, with Dr Weiss and her team, and I had the best care," she said.
A Miracle and a Devastating Loss
Eventually, the couple had eight viable embryos, giving them a sense of hope they had waited years to feel. "They were hatched on Valentine's Day in 2022, which was amazing," Emma said. The first two embryo transfers resulted in very early losses, but the couple continued to try. "For the first time in like 10 or 11 years, we got a pregnancy positive. We had an early loss on the first, we had a chemical pregnancy on the second, and then on the third, we got Avery, which is our daughter."
In October 2022, they transferred their third embryo and, finally, it seemed their dream had come true. "She stuck. It was a miracle," Emma said. There was a strong heartbeat at the eight-week scan, Avery was growing beautifully and genetic testing showed no problems. After years of disappointment, they discovered they were having a little girl.
Avery Joy was due in July 2023, but just weeks after Emma and Dan had finally allowed themselves to believe their dream was becoming reality, everything changed. One evening Emma felt that something was not right and noticed pink discharge. "Very quickly I realised that something wasn't right, so I told Dan and we went to the local hospital," she said. They expected to be checked and sent home, but instead Emma was transferred to a larger hospital and spent hours waiting to be seen by an obstetrician. "We were rushed into the emergency department and put in a private room, and then we waited, and we waited, and we waited for four hours. We kept asking where the doctor was and the doctor was never there. Then about 4.30 in the morning, my waters broke."
Avery was around 20 weeks into the pregnancy and, devastatingly, there was nothing doctors could do to save her. "That was like the hardest thing because we were on our own completely," Emma said. She gave birth to Avery the following evening. "She was perfect. There was nothing wrong with her." Despite the devastation, the couple were able to spend around 14 hours with their daughter, creating memories that have stayed with them ever since. Dan danced with Avery to The Temptations' 'My Girl', while Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide' became another song associated with their little girl.
Continued Struggles and a Final Embryo
But the couple were not ready to give up on becoming parents. They returned to Canada and tried again, only to discover that Emma's body was no longer responding to treatment in the same way. "It just seemed like all of a sudden something was wrong in my body and nothing was working," she said. Three more embryo transfers followed without success, before Emma began immunology treatment involving regular infusions. Then, in November 2023, another positive pregnancy test brought fresh hope. "We got pregnant again, which was wonderful. We were really happy, and we thought that this was it, and Avery was going to get a sibling."
That pregnancy ended at 10 weeks, just a week before Avery's first birthday. "There was something genetically wrong with that embryo and that baby and we lost that baby at 10 weeks," Emma said. Eventually, however, the years of treatment, grief and distance from their families became too much and they decided to return home to England.
One embryo remained in Canada, though, and Emma and Dan could not quite let it go. "We didn't really know what to do with it, so we left it a little while and then made the decision that we were going to go back in and transfer the embryo," Emma said. Even getting back to Canada for that final attempt proved difficult, with Emma having to fight to access treatment in the UK and be referred to a recurrent miscarriage clinic. Eventually, she was able to obtain the medication she needed privately and travelled back to Canada with Dan. "We transferred last summer and it didn't work. So our last embryo was gone."
A Friend's Selfless Offer
After 15 years, there were no embryos left. The couple had spent their life savings on treatment, travel and healthcare in the hope of becoming parents. "We've relocated to have children. They've paid for private healthcare, because we understood that our age was a massive factor, and for everything, 90 per cent of what treatment we've had, we've paid for," Emma said. "We have given our entire life savings to try and have children. I've spent my life working and looking after other people's children. Something that should be so easy, and it is for millions and millions of people around the world, has turned into our lifelong mission."
For the next year, Emma and Dan concentrated on healing, spending time in therapy and trying to work through the trauma and grief that had accumulated over more than a decade. But despite everything they had experienced, one thing had not changed: they still desperately wanted to be parents. Emma had also come to accept that her body was exhausted by the years of treatment and pregnancy and that carrying another pregnancy herself would be incredibly difficult. It was at this point that their friend Cassandra offered them another possibility.
Emma and Cassandra met as colleagues in 2022 and quickly became extremely close. "I've been friends with Cassandra since 2022, so four years. We met, we were colleagues, we met on the first day and we connected. She feels very much like a sister," Emma said. Cassandra, who lives in Canada and has children of her own, had watched Emma and Dan endure years of treatment and loss. She told them that if they ever wanted to explore surrogacy, she would be willing to carry their baby.
"It was such a wonderful offer," Emma said. "She's the most selfless person that I've ever met in my life." The couple initially needed time to consider it, but eventually realised it could be their only remaining route to having the biological child they had dreamed of. "We thought about it and thought about it and eventually realised that really, that is the only pathway now that would get us a child. A biological child. So we kind of said to her, 'Let's explore it.'"
The Cost of a Final Chance
The three began researching surrogacy and consulting medical and legal professionals, but the reality of the cost quickly became apparent. Because Emma and Dan's embryos have all been used, they will need to undergo fertility treatment again to create new embryos. "When we sat down with the legal team, they were like, 'Well, you're looking in excess of $50,000,'" Emma said. "I knew it would have been expensive, but it's a lot of money." Legal fees alone are expected to be around $12,000, while creating new embryos could cost around $15,000 including medication. There are also costs associated with psychological assessments, medical screening, embryo transfers, insurance, travel and other eligible pregnancy-related expenses.
"All these little things that you don't think about, you just take for granted when you can carry your own children," Emma said. With their savings already depleted, Cassandra decided to launch a GoFundMe campaign with a target of $50,000 Canadian dollars. Under Canadian law, Cassandra cannot be paid for carrying the baby. The arrangement is an altruistic surrogacy, meaning she cannot profit from the pregnancy, although eligible expenses connected with the pregnancy and surrogacy can be reimbursed.
For Emma, asking for help has been one of the hardest parts of the entire journey. "We've never asked for any money. We've never asked for any help. Any help that has ever been given to us has been because people offered it to us," she said. "So for us to go out and ask for support has been really quite challenging." But the response has already left her overwhelmed, with friends, former colleagues and members of their wider community donating and sharing the fundraiser. "I've honestly had the most humbling experience this week. I have looked after a lot of young people in my time and they have shown up for me this week. The effort is showing up, and it's been really humbling."
The couple are now hoping their story will reach even more people. "Currently we're trying to raise $50,000," Emma said. "The legal fees for the two of us, so we have to pay Cassandra's legal fees, are $12,000 alone. Along with your egg retrieval, which you would need to, because all our embryos have unfortunately gone now, so we would have to repeat that. You're looking at around $15,000, including the medication. You then have the testing that needs to be done and the psychological analysis of all parties. You then have the transfers themselves, which are $2,200 each. Depending on how many embryos you have, you have that, and you have to pay for life insurance for the person that's carrying the baby."
After everything they have endured, Emma and Dan know there are no guarantees. Cassandra still needs to complete medical and psychological screening and receive the necessary approval before the process can move forward, and even then there is no certainty that an embryo transfer will result in a pregnancy or that a pregnancy will end with a healthy baby. But they are prepared to try, because what they want is not extravagant. They dream of the ordinary parts of family life that they have spent years imagining but never experienced: early weekend mornings, chaotic bedtimes, school runs, play dates, family holidays, Christmas traditions and all the everyday moments that come with raising a child.
Somewhere in that dream will always be Avery - the daughter they love and continue to honour, and whose little brother or sister they hope they might one day be able to bring home.
